


Spaceboys

by orphan_account



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: M/M, Mothe Man Bag, and halfassed, oof this is gay, yeet
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-24
Updated: 2018-10-28
Packaged: 2019-07-16 10:01:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16083830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: UPDATE: as of 1/19/19 this book is over. i don't ship zadr; i used to back when i first wrote these chapters. i'm leaving these up on my profile, as i feel they are far from poorly done but i'm not ever going to pick these back up, apologies.anyways zadr homestuck bc i was a trash child





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> it's really late so i didn't proofread this lol  
> anywayyy i'm sorry if things are misspelled or something doesn't make sense

When Gaz decided she wanted an alien girlfriend, shit hit the fan in Dib's plans. Exposing Tak was his life's work, not counting the twelve years before the invader had came into the Membrane kids's lives. 

He knew for a fact that Gaz would fucking shred him if he attempted a breath in Tak's direction, so his job had gotten a hell of a lot harder- not to mention that Tak was incredibly competent, and would have been a great invader, if it weren't for Gaz.

But, of course, that left Dib with a bad taste in his mouth. He wanted the recognition, he wanted people to know that he wasn't insane, he wanted people, maybe, to like him, just a bit? He didn't know. 

Tak popped her head into the room, cutting off Dib's usual self-loathing and contemplation session. "Hey. Gaz and I are going to Bloaty's, so don't..." Tak pulled her head back out of the room to ask her girlfriend for what she was supposed to say next. "Ruin anything." Dib, only mildly pissed, gave her the okay-hand-symbol, for lack of a better name for it.

As soon as Tak popped her head out of the room, this time for good, Dib started plotting. He could go spy on their date, or he maybe could....

Hold the fucking phone. What if he took Tak's ship, and went out into the reaches of space. Maybe he'd have an adventure, maybe he'd explore the galaxy, and he'd certainly meet some aliens.

There was the issue of obtaining her ship, but Dib could probably figure it out, if he had enough time. "Gaz and Tak are usually at Bloaty's for an hour or two at least, and they may hang around here after..." He mumbled to himself, trying to approximate his timeframe. It looked like he had theee hours, which had to be enough. 

Dib slunk down to their garage in silence. His most valued possessions, featuring his various Mothman merchandise to his laptop were slung over his shoulder in the largest backpack he could find, as well as enough food to last him... a week at most. 

Needless to say, Dib was incredibly well-prepared and ready to go on a wonderful mission exploring the galaxy... except there was one minor issue, and that was that he couldn't read a word of Irken. He blindly typed in random commands, hoping that one of them would do something. His various attempts failed, right up until Tak and Gaz returned home. 

"Hey." Tak said, peeking over his shoulder. "What are you doing?" 

"Hacking your system! Soon, I'll be in, and I'll leave this wreck of a planet!" Dib laughed. It was a sad laugh, but what made it sad was that that hadn't been its intentions at all. 

Tak shrugged, and tossed Dib the keys. "Knock yourself out, I'm sure you'd say." The boy was astounded, and stared at her with round eyes. 

"I- but... That's- that's not?" He wasn't really sure what he was hearing.

"Yes, yes." She smiled, sharp teeth flashing, before turning on her heel to go make out with Gaz or whatever they may do. 

Twenty minutes later, Dib was still awestruck from the encounter with the Irken, but it hadn't stopped him from launching the ship and pondering his life choices up until this point. He hadn't really thought it would work, so the final destination had been far from his mind when he'd carefully written out his plans. 

Dib took a quick second to yell a quick FUCK. It seemed his big head was full of nothing but air. 

Rather than turn back now, he continued on his path. Tak's ship had a set route, for some reason, to a planet he could only assume was Irk. 

The following six months were painful at best. Tak only stocked her ship with junky snacks, and there was no bathroom. Dib had been forced to piss out the airlock. Or, alternatively, in a cup he emptied via the airlock. Either way, the bathroom situation in the ship sucked ass. In fact, the entire trip sucked ass. Sometimes, just to laugh at him, Gaz and Tak would call him up. At this point, he resembled a morbidly obese filthy goblin. An isolated goblin that only ate snacks and was wearing his last pair of Mothman boxers. One could feel the sex appeal leeching off of him.

Dib, foolish garbage child he was, had also been completely wrong. Rather than Irk, or literally any other planet that wasn't just fucking space McDonalds, the course set by Tak's ship had taken him to Foodcourtia. 

So once he arrived on another planet teeming with alien life, you can imagine the utter dismay he felt when he found out that it was NOT some highly advanced society willing to accept his Earthly Wisdoms. It was none other than a greasy fast food joint. 

Dib was, suffice to say the least, completely obliterated by this knowledge. Also, he had barely moved around during those six months and just standing made him tired. With that, he made his way into the establisment. 

He sat down, brushing his now far too long black hair from his face. The kid really needed a haircut at this point, or hell, even any form of cleaning product. Dib knew this, but he became hyperaware of this when an Irken appeared to take his order.

He had never understood Gaz's attraction to Tak, and he'd assumed he'd never really ever get it but holy shit. The Irken that had come to take his order was decently attractive?   
Dib mentally cringed at the thought. He'd come to terms with the fact that he was gayest kid in Skool, but this was on a whole new level. Gaz level. He didn't want to be Gaz level.

"... hey. Hey. HEY!!!" The magenta-eyed Irken began to screech at Dib.

"Oh, uh, sorry, I was just thinking." Dib yelled back. 

"Yes, yes, I can see your puny form is impressed by the greatness that is Zim!" The Irken, who I can finally refer to as Zim now, cackled. 

"Mhm. You are just great, Zim." Dib said, rolling his eyes before burying them in the menu. He took back his earlier thoughts, no matter how attractive he might find Zim, his voice was grating as hell. Also, he seemed a tad egocentric. 

"Yes! You get it!" He smiled wide, revealing huge pink teeth. They could probably bite off Dib's head, the avid paranormal investigator noted. "Say, Dib," Zim coated his voice in a nasty tone whilst saying his name, for some odd reason. "I like you. So that is why you have been nominated to help Zim." 

Dib sighed and slunk deeper into his menu. "I appreciate the offer, I guess, Zim, but I'm busy. Besides, we just met, and can't you ask anyone else for help?"

"NO! Look around, Dib. Look at all those fools!!" Zim spat, malice clear in his voice. "You see, none of the others here poesses such intellects as you, Dib-thing!" 

Dib made a mental note of two things. One, Dib-thing was arguably the best nickname he'd ever had. Two, Zim thought he was an "intellect" because he had said he was... great? God damn, did he have awfully low standards.

"Okay, sure, Zim." Dib muttered, mostly because he didn't want all the people- er, aliens, staring at his greasy little face. "I'll help you."

His eyes lit up. "Yes! YES! Come with me, Dib-thing." 

Dib, ever-so reluctantly, followed the screaming alien into the bathrooms. Zim tossed him into the stall before he even had a second to react.

Before Dib could yell yet another "fuck" or any of its variants, Zim grabbed his shirt and pulled him up. "Now, listen. I am trapped inside this greasy hellhole, Dib! It is agony. Agony! My intellect could be used for Invasion!! I need to leave, but I don't have a ship." His eerie grin returned to his face. "This, my dear Dib, is where you come in. You have a ship! I have seen it! When I open this door, you are going to walk out, and I will be hidden inside your... Mothe Man Bag!" 

The boy didn't have time to object, because Zim was already tucked inside the bag before he opened his mouth. He considered leaving Zim and the bag on the bathroom floor, but he decided he couldn't part with his sweet, sweet Mothman bag. 

Dib had gotten both of them out of there pretty smoothly. A gruff looking man had said he'd seen him enter the bathroom with Zim, but Dib had said that it was highly unlikely they would finish at the same time, unless they had been sharing a stall, which was completely against Earth customs. The threat of a god-forsaken review about Foodcourtia not being culturally inclusive had let the two out instantly.

Zim, cackling, picked up the controls. Dib was only beginning to realize the risk he had put himself at by letting Zim drive, but he could give more shits at this point.

He simply sat down next to him and waited ever-so patiently as the Irken fucked around with the controls.

"Alright, Dib. I want to congratulate you on a mission well-done! I am no longer in need of your services and you may go." He smiled and gestured to the airlock. 

"No." This pissed Dib off to no extent. "This is my ship, Zim. You want to use it? Fine. But I'm staying on it too." 

"Please?"

"No."

"Augh! Fine then! Stay! Your powers of persuasion are too strong for Zim!" 

Dib sighed, walking over to the Irken and shoving him aside so they could share the pilot's seat. It was really uncomfortable and tight, but Dib couldn't back down now. 

"So, how long will it be till we get to Irk?"

"Twelve minutes." 

"That's excellent!" Dib was overjoyed. He only had to deal with Zim for twelve more minutes at most, and he would also finally see Irk.

"Or... Say, what are you?" 

Dib squinted. "Mexican?"

"I have never heard of this Mexico."  
Zim sneered. "Clearly, it is not a planet worthy of Irken conquest."

"It's not a planet, dipshit, it's a country. My home planet is Earth." 

"Still haven't heard of it." 

Dib frowned. "Well, it's still worthy I guess. We happen to have our own invader." 

Zim threw up a hand in disdain. "Yeah sure whatever. But anyways, the reason I asked is because that would translate into three years in your time."

"Three years? Three fucking years? You're shitting me?" Dib rotated his head a full 180 to look at Zim.

"I am not 'shitting you,' unless it means telling the complete and total truth. I'm not very familiar with human terminology." 

"But... But it's right there!" Dib exclaimed, standing up to point at Irk. He was right and also completely wrong. 

"Yes, it is. And we will be there in three Earth years."


	2. Chapter 2

Dib nearly tossed himself out the airlock at that, and later he wished he'd taken that idea into better consideration.

But instead, he shook his head, laughed, and left to go sleep. Tak's ship had sleeping quarters, despite the fact that they were miniscule, and also despite the fact that the two Irkens he'd met seemed to... not sleep. They just didn't. Why Tak would have a sleeping area was beyond him. He made a mental note to ask Zim when he woke up and yanked his glasses off his face, collapsing on the "bed."

It wasn't really comfortable, and god knew what could happen with Zim at the controls, but Dib slept long enough to the point where if he was still on Earth, they would have proclaimed him to be dead and yanked off his life support. It wouldn't have been the first time. 

Even after countless hours of sleep, the human still took ages to actually get up, or at least open his eyes wide enough to acknowledge the Irken less that four feet away from his face. 

"Gu- Uh, what? Zim?"

Zim cackled, and Dib was beginning to hate him even more. "The Mexican finally arises from their slumber. It's about time."

Dib sat upright immediately, feeling around for his glasses. His biggeat concern happened to be mostly derived from Zim calling him "the Mexican." "How long was I asleep?"

Zim shrugged. "I don't know... Three seconds."

"IN EARTH TIME." 

The Irken took a few minutes to mull this over. "Two? Three? Days?"

Dib put a hand to his head. "Jesus christ." He'd been sleeping for three days, which was, by textbook definition, a coma.

"Anyways!" Zim screamed. "While you were laying there unconcious, I briefly pulled us out of orbit to-"

"I maaaaaadeeeeee waffles!!!!!" A tiny robot screamed, peeking through the doorway. 

"-pick up GIR." Zim finished lamely.

"GIR?" Dib tilted his head. "You mean a SIR?" After years with Tak, Dib had taken it upon himself to learn as much about Irken technology as he could. The waffle-eating robot, or "GIR" largely resembled a SIR, but it felt... Halfassed? 

"INSOLENT FOOL BOY! Their name is GIR." Zim spat. 

"But he's a SIR, right?" Dib raised an eyebrow.

"Yes." He muttered.

"Aw, chin up Master!!" GIR giggled. Dib hadn't noticed, but while the two of them had been yelling, the defective SIR had made their way across the room. "I gots my special waffles, just for you!" They smiled and stuck out their tongue, offering the plate to Zim.

"No, GIR." 

GIR took in a deep breath and screamed. Zim screamed back. This, of course, marked one of the many points Dib contemplated ripping up the floors and crawling around the wires until he was electrocuted.

"Fine!" Zim screamed, and took the plate of waffles from GIR's hands. There were no forks on the ship, so he cautiously lifted the waffle with one gloved hand. It dripped syrup onto his lap, and Zim screamed once again and tossed the waffle into Dib's face, finally pulling a scream out of him as he threw it decisively onto the floor.

"Holy fuck, Zim! What was that for?" 

Zim shuddered. "That... Thing is disgusting! That...?"

"Waffle."

"WAFFLE was detestable! If I had eaten it I may have died! You don't know what GIR may have put in there. Besides, it spilled its brown sauce on me." He clenched his right hand into a fist. "The brown sauce will rue the day it came into contact with ZIM!"

Dib sighed, inspecting the damage the brown sauce had done to his jacket and glasses.

GIR's scream quota for the morning hadn't been filled or something, because they began sobbing on the floor. 

"... What?" Zim kicked the tiny SIR. 

"Maaaaster, you didn't like my waffles?" They looked up, shaking. "They! Was! Special!" He pounded his fists on the ground between each word. 

Dib sighed, finally pulling himself out of bed and streching to his full height, which wasn't very impressive. He had always been so excited about the prospect of otherworldly life, and now he was trapped on a ship with an alien and his... They had a slave-master dynamic, he supposed. That was how it had been with Tak. Either way, this was bullshit. 

He had been slowly making his way to the control room the whole time, and he could hear GIR and Zim still going strong with their waffle argument. Dib pulled his glasses off and rubbed them against his coat, hoping to clear the syrup, but instead he found that he couldn't pull the glasses up from the jacket. 

Times like these really made him miss Earth. Actually, that statement would be false. Times like these made him miss Earthen bathrooms and running water.

After less than three minutes, Dib figured he ought to change before the syrup stuck him to his jacket. 

He reached down to open his Mothman bag- the same one Zim had hidden in, and pulled off his jacket to inspect the damage. It was worse than he had anticipated- he had waited far too long, and the syrup had sunk through, making his entire top half completely coated in the stuff. The only thing keeping it from reaching his skin was his binder, which was pretty much ruined by this point. 

"ZIIIIIIM!" He yelled, festering in his anger. 

"What. What? Did you say something, Earth-boy?"

Dib slapped himself and the face and sighed. "You see this, spaceboy?" He gestured down at his syrup-y top half.

"So what, your shirt's ruined, BIG, FAT, HAIRY DEAL." Zim replied, flicking a hand in his direction. 

"You don't understand, Zim." Dib grabbed the Irken by the front of his tunic. "I don't have a replacement. Your GIR or whatever you want to call it ruined it." 

"GIR!" Zim yelled with absolutely no warning, squirming in Dib's sweaty fingers. "I need you to fix the Earth-smell's shirt. Pronto!"

The little robot raced into the room, giving Zim a nod. Their eyes gleamed red, which Dib recognized as something Tak's SIR had. GIR just seemed to be... A little earlier along the developmental chain. A little stupid.

They yanked the binder over Dib's head, nearly destroying both his ribcage and his spine in the process. The human boy fell to the floor in a scramble for a shirt, and yanked a marginally dirty one featuring the Ghostbusters over his head. 

Dib could hear GIR's robotic screeching as they "washed" his binder, and could feel Zim's eyes boring into his back. Rather than actually choosing to spend his time doing anything at all, he retired to laying rather uncomfortably on the floor.


	3. Chapter 3

Dib found that the floor wasn't... as bad as he thought it would be, but it was far from comfortable. His chest pressed into the floor, and there was hardly any room for his legs to go anywhere. Oh, and he could feel Zim watching him. The Irken stood above him, tall compared only to Dib laying face-down on the floor. 

He let out a sigh, but decided he would rather wait them out than do anything at this point. Sure enough, after quite a long time, GIR trotted back in. "Is cleeeeeean now!" They smiled widely and set it down on the floor. 

Dib shot up wildly, and grabbed the binder. He hesitated before putting it on, looking from Zim to GIR. "Aren't you... gonna let me change?" 

"NOPE!" GIR giggled. "I gonna watch you, and makes sure you like it." They sat down, and began wiggling their feet. 

Dib looked to Zim in desperation, as he was GIR's master, but he only raised an eyebrow. "What's wrong with that, Dib?" 

Dib sighed, yanking his newfound ghost shirt off, and pulling his binder on, before pulling his unsurprisingly John Egbert-eqsue shirt back on. Oddly enough, apart from the fact that it was very soggy, the binder was fine. Dib stood up, and with that he decided he might as well give his input: "Y'know, he didn't actually do a bad job."

"Of course? What would you expect? I taught them everything they know!" Zim placed his hand on his chest, puffing it out. Dib couldn't help but snicker; it made a lot more sense to him now.

Now that they were on the same level, Dib was hyper-aware of the Irken. He had hoped those thoughts would go away, but he still thought Zim was... marginally attractive. He wouldn't grant him anything higher. God, he was something. Dib didn't know what kind of something. 

"So. Anyways!" Zim screamed, cutting through the silence. "Why does that shirt-thing hold so much value to the Dib?" 

He took a deep breath in, and exhaled. "Well, uh, my brain doesn't align with my birth sex." He paused. The wheels in Zim's head were turning, but he was pretty sure none of what he'd said had gotten through to him. "I'm a girl, but I don't like it. I want to be a boy, and I want people to call me a boy. There." He had really hoped the whole coming-out-thing would not have had to have been a thing out in the expanses of space, but he hadn't expected waffles either. 

"Oh. Like... What's her name... Tak." Zim mumbled. 

"Wait, wait. Tak?" Dib was astounded by this information, but in all honesty, it seemed like just the kind of thing that he'd wind up experiencing. His little sister was dating a trans lesbian alien, and now here he was, not far from a certain alien who he happened to find marginally attractive. Membrane's luck, he supposed. 

"Yes, she didn't want to be male. She was probably defective." He squinted at Dib. 

"Oh fuck, oh shit no. I'm not defective." Zim had gotten closer and closer to him as he'd spoken, and Dib felt a shudder roll down his spine. 

If he'd leaned forward any further, the two of them would have knocked skulls. The Irken stood on his feet, and his boots dug into Dib's bare feet. He grabbed onto his bare arms for support, and he could feel his gloves tighten around his exposed flesh. Zim examined his eyes, which trembled slightly, but managed to keep his gaze. 

"Whatever. I don't know enough about Earth culture to make any assumptions." He stepped down and turned away, facing the inside of the ship. Dib shook ever so slightly- that was the closest contact he'd had with someone that wasn't Gaz. He could feel the bordering irregular pounding of his heart, and exhaled all the breath he'd sucked in. 

He plopped himself down in front of the controls. He had to bite his tongue to keep himself from rambling aloud, and let his internal monologue go apeshit. Irk was still so far, and with Zim and GIR, he didn't think he'd make it there with every part of him intact, so he chose to think about other things. Specifically, Zim things. 

He didn't quite know what he thought of him anymore. He was an annoyance, but he could be intimidating when he wanted to be. Dib didn't know which aspect he liked better, but he knew he at the very least, fairly deep down, he liked some parts of Zim.

"Ship, call Tak." He wanted to see if Zim was telling the truth, and to find out if he was- by Irken standards- defective. 

"Yeah. Yeah, what do you want?" The girl scowled into her screen. He could see Gaz faintly in the background. She fully opened one eye, to get a good look, and then scowled with discontempt. 

"Didn't we ask you to stop calling us?"

"Yes, but, Zim said something-"

Tak burst out in a fit of laughter. "ZIM?" 

Dib blinked. "What's so funny?"

"Zim was the worst of all the invaders, Dib. He fucked Operation Impending Doom 1 into the ground. He was good at breaking stuff, I suppose, as well as mass genocide to his own people." 

Dib's eyes widened. "What?"

"Yeah! He probably that we were supposed to invader other planets or something." Tak slapped her face with her hand, and Dib could tell she was giggling, ever so slightly. "And now you are stuck with him?"

"Yeah, and he said something. About you, being, well, trans?"

"Oh, yes." Tak rolled her eyes. "I'm offended, yet flattered you would ever think I was... What's the word, cis, Dib." 

"Huh." He was sort of dumbfounded, but what could he really have expected?   
"So, wait, you knew Zim?"

"Yes, haha, oh would you look at that, I don't care anymore." The transmission cut to black, and Dib was left with even more conflicting Zim thoughts than before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof sorry if this is weird/confusing, i'm highkey tired and i wanted to crank out an update for this week.
> 
> also i keep on meaning to write more, maybe i will in the future rip


End file.
